| Hmm.
I don't know why I come to Xanga when I'm feeling particularly wistful. I don't even blog about the day to day things that happen to me. I just... post wistfully because that's how I'm feeling? I dunno. Ah, such is life. :D
Mmm there are so many different things I want to say and yet I don't know how to formulate them in words. I hate how easy it is to get "in touch" with someone online and how easy it is to be attached to them. In school you see all these sides of people in and out of the classroom that I don't think you could see if you met them, say, in the park or at the mall. In fact, I simply don't meet people at "at the mall" or just on offchance. Pretty much the only way I meet new people is at school or online, and half the people who talk to me online are just after my art/webdesign skills (or lack of) anyway, which gets to be rather annoying sometimes most of the time.
I hate how attached I grow to people. It sounds really stupid and really self centered but I always put more things on my plate than I can handle. I have [a] friend[s] that have this hatred towards me because I can't spend as much time with him/her as I used to because I'm spreading myself so thinly among all my friends. I don't like animosity between people. I hate getting on other people's bad sides or foul moods, and I hate most of all having awkward tensions between myself and others. I guess that's why I try so hard to please everyone.
And yet at the same time, I do this pleasing for what seems to be totally selfish reasons. I hate posting on deviantART now because it always feels like I'm just fishing for comments or something, try to make myself feel good. And I do, but only for a while because I will mentally go "I'm not getting that many comments" or "Man, I'm such a fucked up moron to be wanting attention like this." I guess that's why I post everything in a friend's filter on LJ, so I can ask for attention and be modest humbleish at the same time? I dunno. The subconscious works in many ways that are far too complicated for my puny little mind to comprehend.
If I have never told you before, I really really love you. All of you. You guys know who I'm talking about. I don't know if I express it enough, or if my "clinginess" is more annoying to you than emotionally moving. I really appreciate every one of you for even just being with me, sharing a few laughs, having a good time. Here's to the love. ♥
And now I wonder how people see me after reading this. I have such a different perception of people after I've read their online journals. Are the personalities really that contrasting? Is there so much to hide that I would not have guessed these two people are the same if they didn't tell me specifically? So many of you I feel... I feel that I don't know you well enough to be given the priviledge to read your journal or entries or whatever. Does anyone else ever feel like that?
Oh great now I have to decide if I should enable comments or not. Go Finni!
I wish I had the time to get to really know everyone but alas, there is no such time available. In fact, I realize I haven't even... really made any new friends in a long time. I mean like really, really close friends. I've been hanging out with, more or less, the same people for the past 4 or 5 years. Do you guys know how much you meant to me when I joined you below the library roofing?
Do I even know why I'm posting in Xanga as opposed to LJ like I normally do?
Man I really wish there was an LJ cut right now because this journal entry is so long and blabby and pointless and should not have the whole thing show up on other people's "subscribed" pages. I apologize, especially if you've read this far. Don't read it all, seriously. I probably didn't read your long-and-particularly-insightful entries either.
Sometimes I wonder why I devote so much of my social life online. Maybe because it's easier to meet new people, make new friends, and the option of completely wiping out your existance if you really felt like it. It's like having a reset, an undo, a something to change the things you've done. Oh, how I'd kill to have an undo button in real life. Sometimes I feel as the line that divides real life and online life for me is being blurred with a 65px Photoshop smear tool. It sounds stupid, I know. I once thought that things in real life were measured in pixels, only to realize noWAIT we have molecules and atoms! Not pixels!
Hahaha how sad I am, indeed!
So now everyone should be done stressing about colleges (except for the art folk, who never stressed about it in the first place even though they have yet to apply to art colleges) and hopefully some normality will return to our everyday lives, as normal as they could possibly be. or as dull, I should say. While I was in Taiwan, I had the time of my fucking life with two people I would have never, ever met if it weren't for the internet and a little (okay, not really so little) thing called Naruto. One night we were lying in bed, having a bad case of insomnia, and just talked about things... things that I really never talk to anyone about. I felt like I was really opening my heart to someone, and she was really opening her heart to me. I don't know what it was. The only other time I had felt like that was when I cried and poured my heart out on poor little Katherine, and ended up ditching a class to do it. And even then, I did it because I felt like bursting, she felt so far away from me. But is it really that hard to make friendships work? This sounds, even to me, so stupid and cliché and all those other things but these friends I've made on the internet, they are real friends, real people. I'm just afraid if they will replace the friends I've made in real life, or something.
Online there is no vision of appearance, beauty. You talk to someone and become friends through talking, doing something together, sharing an interest or hobby. It's only after you've become friends that you find out what the other looks like, and by then, hell, I don't really care what they look like, they're my friends.
But then at the same time, it's so easy to lose friends online. They could have a big move and be internetless for a few months, and it's just like they're gone. But isn't it the same in the real world? You could blink and suddenly they're not here anymore. They've moved on, they're busy with other things, or sometimes they're just not... there anymore. How do you treat these friendships?
I must be a fool for placing so much of my confidence and mood on my friends. In a way, I'm addicted to being social. I feel so stupid, small, insignificant when there's no one to talk to. I hate waking up really early or staying up all night because there's no one on AIM, MSN, RO, etc that I can talk to. Maybe that's why I use so many goddamned chatting programs.
Maybe chatting programs are the bane of my existance. There's a thought. Because I know I can always retreat to telling someone something online, behind a wall of screens, pixels, font faces and monitors, I hide too many things in real life. It's so cliche to be talking about your masks, pretending to be happy when you really aren't. I used to be like that. I thought I was happy but I realized I put it on to make sure that other people wouldn't be worried about me.
And then, like the line between reality and internet, the distinction between the "real me" and the "masked me" started to disappear. When I am occupied, I am naturally a happy person. I love to smile, laugh, but most of all I love to see other people smile, laugh. I am naturally a person who likes to give but likes to recieve every once in a while too. I get a little ticked off when I get absolutely nothing in return for the things I do, but this happens very rarely.
So I guess this is me? I am a happy, bouncy, bubbly little thing that wishes she could be taller. I tend to think too much when alone or... particularly pensive, and usually that results in "depression", which really isn't depression at all. It's just deep thinking. I like to avoid this "deep thinking" by being occupied with my interests and hobbies, such as drawing and art, cosplay, chatting and being with friends, watching anime and reading manga, playing games, ignoring schoolwork (seriously guys, I hate it when people call me smart. I'm not; I'm a fucking slackoff lmao), and doing other, various stupid things. I tend to talk to myself when I am walking home alone just because it's someone to talk to. Usually by the time I get home, I need to get a drink of water because I am talking too much. I tend to befriend a lot of people just so I can get their "approval", so to speak, but I let very few people into my head. I tend to hold onto things longer than I should or than I need. I also like to put things off until the very last minute, or until it is too late, which I am positively sure will bite me in the ass some big important day in the future.
Wow, that is the most personal and most self-identifying essay/novel I have written in the longest time. I actually feel kind of content.
And now that it is 7am on Jan 3rd, 2006, it means I must get hopping to first period or I shall be late as a bird and screwed like a brick! No, that doesn't make sense to me either. I should make long, rambly posts like this more often.
OH YEAH one more thing about me! I am a big fat pervert at heart. Lots of things sound very, very wrong to me and I don't feel too uneasy drawing naked things in compromising positions. However, contrary to popular belief, I do not plan on becoming a porn artist when I grow up.
.... I'm sure that was more information than you wanted to know. That previous paragraph, as well as this whole post. Carry on and have a nice day. : )
Happy New Year, everyone. Let's make '06 a blast.
-Finni |
![Slytherin Girl - [SpellBound]](http://dream.kologaria.com/ani_slyt3.gif)
They were AWESOME~~ And the crowd went WILD as well! And Jun did some lovely fanservice for us XD I am instant camino fangirl. Honestly. Near the end, ppl started squishing to the front and stuff and me, being just north of 5 feet tall, squished to 5 feet from the stage. *_* Anyhow, after screaming myself hoarse, it was already 10:30 and we had to leave.
